Chronicles of the Absurd, silly

Chronicles of The Absurd

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Today’s winner of absurdity comes from none other then our own EPA. An unnamed governmental agency released a report today saying that they have detected a “cloud of oil” about 3,300 to up to 4,600 feet deep which stretches away from the well head for about 6 miles. The EPA says that there has been “no significant harm to sea life” from this plume.

Like the fish above, I am wondering what absurdities will have to occur to cause what they classify as “significant harm” to the sea life? Meanwhile, back in reality, people are being filmed trying to rescue dolphins in vain off of the beaches in the gulf. Not to mention the articles on the amounts of sharks, rays, and other large predators along with their prey fleeing to shallow waters close to shore.

My advice for the EPA would be to get its head out of Sarah Palin’s medicine cabinet and start coming to terms with one of the worse environmental disasters in I-Earth’s history.

Space Weather Alerts

Space Weather Alert

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The I-Sun must have gotten its prescription for Valtrex filled cause Sunspot 1081 has cleared up. Sunspot 1082 is still flaring, however its position on the I-Sun offers no threat to the I-Earth. (Trademarking that as well as I-Sun. Take that Steve Jobs.)

The folks aboard the International Space Station snapped these pics last month when a CME lit up the I-Earth over the Indian Ocean like a club kid on E with glow sticks. (Do they still do that?)

“The bright display of Southern Lights was sparked by a solar coronal mass ejection (CME), which hit Earth’s magnetic field and sparked a G1-class geomagnetic storm. On the other end of the planet, the same storm produced bright Northern Lights over Wisconsin, Minnesota and parts of Canada. Both poles were ringed in light at the same time.”

The next solar wind storm is scheduled to hit I-Earth’s magnetic field on 26 Jun…so watch out for dropped calls and straight to voice mail phone issues….

Chronicles of the Absurd, silly

Apple and Adolf ink deal to promote “iDOLF”

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BETTER THAN THE ONION,….ME OF COURSE!!
Fuhrer Finds Fans, Financial Freedom
By jeffrey tull


Not since the crash of the Hindenburg has a former Nazi gas-bag so caught the world’s attention. Adolf Hitler, former pariah and Chancellor of Germany has announced his return from retirement to become the latest in a long line of compensated celebrity endorsers.
Marv Levy, Hitler’s agent, bodyguard and travelling companion told us in an exclusive phone interview the former fuhrer has changed his ways, converted to Judiasm and has returned from self-imposed South American exile. He then stated that Hitler intends to ink a three year contract to become spokesperson for computing giant, Apple.


Levy stated briefly, “Mr Hitler is eager to come back to work once again on the world’s stage. He has spent a number of years studying the Kaballah and reflecting on his past. He regrets the Final Solution and he now believes he can offer the world something positive.” When asked if his Nazi past would interfere with his work, Levy replied “Absolutely not. In fact, it only helped the Pope!”
Steve Jobs, Apple’s CEO and resident wunderkind agreed. He eagerly shook hands and answered questions for shareholders and the media at last Tuesday’s breakfast launching of his companys newest product, the iDOLF.
Jobs stated “ The iDOLF, Apple and Hitler are a dynamite combination and he’s an excellent public speaker. He’s bent on world domination and studies show he’s wildy popular with the 18-24 year old peckerheads who actually buy our crap.

There has never been a more perfect man in the world to represent Apple.” He then attempted to show the crowd detailed market research backing up his claims but spent the last twenty minutes of his presentation swearing at the network, sobbing and trying to reboot his overheating iDOLF.


Apple’s main competitor, Microsoft, was cautiously impressed by the move. Former CEO and chairman Bill Gates stated to reporters he intends to look into the phenomenon. “We’ve been following Apple’s lead ever since the dawn of the Information Age. Anything they do we steal, retool and slap our label on it. I can admit that now that I’m no longer CEO.” His impish grin then turned stone cold as he continued. “Actually I admire Hitler immensely. He stole all of Europe, those precious works of art. He stole land and natural resources. He stole the flower of a generation through ruthless, shameless agression. The guy was born to work for us! But sadly, he’s under contract with Apple ‘till 2015.” Mr Gates then slyly stated “We’re not worried. We’ve got a few tricks up our sleeve to cash in on his popularity.”


Sitting for his first interview since escaping from Allied dominated Europe in 1947, we agreed to meet at a local coffee shop. Hitler looked fit and tan in white linen trousers, a blood-red oversized Ralph Lauren Polo pullover and Sperry Topsiders. Tribal tatoos peeked delicatley from under his left shirt cuff. As Hitler sipped on mineral water, he casually eyed the crowd, signing the occasional autograph.
Levy, his ever present body guard broke the ice. “We did test runs using Mr Hitler in various advertising campaigns with some level of success.

He was wildly more popular than the “oi!-POD” promoted as an alternative by the Anti Defamation League.

We soon realized that Adolf in the 21st Century was associated with most audiences as having a high level of positive brand recognition. Strong, forceful and very conservative, he’s more trusted in this country than Joe Biden or Nancy Pelosi. And although his career in politics is over, he’s been approached by teabaggers from four midwestern states as a potential candidate, He even has the support of former President George W Bush”


Hitler himself was glad to be back in civilization but at a loss to explain his new found good fortune. “I’ve more or less spent the last half of the twentieth century eating papaya, fighting jungle beasts and having degenerate sexual relations with the native peoples.” He continued, becoming more animated and agitated. “ Once or twice I had to meet with Madonna for that Kabbalah training. I had to shuffle out of town because Wiesenthal and his friends over at the Mossad were trailing her to get to me and were almost up my ass! But living that jungle life? It’s not quite as good as ruling Greater Germania or getting head from Eva Braun but hey, I’m still here and I’m certain that fat English fuck Winston is sucking Stalin’s peanut of a cock in Hell.”
He then showed an unforseen level of restraint and began to calmy reflect on vegetarianism as the reason for his long life. When asked about his new contract with Apple, he was blunt. “I personally am a PC man. I cant stand that annoying “i” prefix on every product they friggin’ sell. …and that ‘beach ball of death’ just makes me wanna blitz Poland again. But I’m grateful for the chance to promote the iDOLF. They could very well have gone with Dolf Lungren.”
The iDOLF as well as Sony’s WPS (Worthless Piece of Shit) are available in stores now.

Space Weather Alerts

Space Weather Alert

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The I-Sun is having a flare up.  Sunspot 1082 is erupting with small flares. These flares are what scientists classify as “B-Class” flares.  These flares explode with the magnitude of about 10 million atomic bombs.

The real nasty I-Sun sunspot flare ups are the “X-Class” flares. These flares explode with an intensity that is thousands of times greater then the “B-Class” flares, and are the types of solar flares that will burn off our ozone layer and cause us to have a really…really bad day. Scientists predict that the those type of flares will become more common once the I-Sun hits its Solar Maximum in 2013.

So start digging your underground I-Sun protection pod today.

Chronicles of the Absurd

Chronicles of The Absurd

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I actually watched today’s winner live on CSPAN and I couldn’t believe my luck! Thank you Rep. Baton R-Tex. You have given me my absurd word of the day: SHAKEDOWN.

Here, I was thinking that BP got off relatively easy with the setting up of a fund (only $5 billion per year for the next 4 years) of $20 billion. Guess I’m more gangsta then the President!

Maybe this is how the Congressman from Texas thinks it all went down at the White House yesterday…

Chronicles of the Absurd, Grinds My Gears, silly

A Picture Says A Thousand Words

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From the above picture you would think that our President has BP against the wall. CEO Tony Hayward is making the quasi “fist face” and Obama’s got him on the ropes with his “I mean business” pointer thumb. But no. BP is getting off cheap. So just for the hell of it, I googled “what can I buy for $20 billion” and this is what I got.

Wow. The folks on the Gulf Coast will cost BP what Spam costs in terms of the loss of productivity per year. Hmmm. What else? The US Bank Bailout perhaps? A Microsoft Share buyback? Yep. It sounds like its a lot of money to compensate people who have lost their lively hoods, but its really not. It is only the tip of a multi-generational iceberg whose melt rate will overflow in that area for years and years to come.

Joe Biden’s head down says it all. We are screwed.

Grinds My Gears

A waste of a perfectly good dimension

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“America’s First modern-technology 3-D newspaper section” proclaimed the Inquirer yesterday. Since I haven’t seen any 3D since I was about 5 years old and had a ViewMaster­­, I made a trip to the closest Wawa and picked up a copy.
The paper included cardboard glasses, an 8 page section of 3D content, and a small poster of Roy Halladay, the latter all neon-ed out.
How did it look?
Well, the most 3D looking thing of the content was the full page Macy’s ad. The rest was hardly 3D at all. Even the special Roy poster gave little if any 3D effect.
It could be an issue of color separation, since newspaper is notoriously known for poor color registration. Maybe in a magazine this would work, but it’s gonna be a long time before 3D newspaper makes a dent in anything (except my nose from wearing those annoying glasses.
Even when the effect worked, it was very very faint. 3D was much better with the old red-blue glasses! (for what that’s worth)
Imagine, if you will, a busy morning subway commute. Everyone is wearing cardboard 3D glasses with BestBuy emblazoned on the sides, and then opens up their “inq3D” newspaper. That’s a real hoot.

By the time you’re done with one page you’ll already have a migraine.

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