BETTER THAN THE ONION,….ME OF COURSE!!
Fuhrer Finds Fans, Financial Freedom
By jeffrey tull
Not since the crash of the Hindenburg has a former Nazi gas-bag so caught the world’s attention. Adolf Hitler, former pariah and Chancellor of Germany has announced his return from retirement to become the latest in a long line of compensated celebrity endorsers.
Marv Levy, Hitler’s agent, bodyguard and travelling companion told us in an exclusive phone interview the former fuhrer has changed his ways, converted to Judiasm and has returned from self-imposed South American exile. He then stated that Hitler intends to ink a three year contract to become spokesperson for computing giant, Apple.
Levy stated briefly, “Mr Hitler is eager to come back to work once again on the world’s stage. He has spent a number of years studying the Kaballah and reflecting on his past. He regrets the Final Solution and he now believes he can offer the world something positive.” When asked if his Nazi past would interfere with his work, Levy replied “Absolutely not. In fact, it only helped the Pope!”
Steve Jobs, Apple’s CEO and resident wunderkind agreed. He eagerly shook hands and answered questions for shareholders and the media at last Tuesday’s breakfast launching of his companys newest product, the iDOLF.
Jobs stated “ The iDOLF, Apple and Hitler are a dynamite combination and he’s an excellent public speaker. He’s bent on world domination and studies show he’s wildy popular with the 18-24 year old peckerheads who actually buy our crap.
There has never been a more perfect man in the world to represent Apple.” He then attempted to show the crowd detailed market research backing up his claims but spent the last twenty minutes of his presentation swearing at the network, sobbing and trying to reboot his overheating iDOLF.
Apple’s main competitor, Microsoft, was cautiously impressed by the move. Former CEO and chairman Bill Gates stated to reporters he intends to look into the phenomenon. “We’ve been following Apple’s lead ever since the dawn of the Information Age. Anything they do we steal, retool and slap our label on it. I can admit that now that I’m no longer CEO.” His impish grin then turned stone cold as he continued. “Actually I admire Hitler immensely. He stole all of Europe, those precious works of art. He stole land and natural resources. He stole the flower of a generation through ruthless, shameless agression. The guy was born to work for us! But sadly, he’s under contract with Apple ‘till 2015.” Mr Gates then slyly stated “We’re not worried. We’ve got a few tricks up our sleeve to cash in on his popularity.”
Sitting for his first interview since escaping from Allied dominated Europe in 1947, we agreed to meet at a local coffee shop. Hitler looked fit and tan in white linen trousers, a blood-red oversized Ralph Lauren Polo pullover and Sperry Topsiders. Tribal tatoos peeked delicatley from under his left shirt cuff. As Hitler sipped on mineral water, he casually eyed the crowd, signing the occasional autograph.
Levy, his ever present body guard broke the ice. “We did test runs using Mr Hitler in various advertising campaigns with some level of success.
He was wildly more popular than the “oi!-POD” promoted as an alternative by the Anti Defamation League.
We soon realized that Adolf in the 21st Century was associated with most audiences as having a high level of positive brand recognition. Strong, forceful and very conservative, he’s more trusted in this country than Joe Biden or Nancy Pelosi. And although his career in politics is over, he’s been approached by teabaggers from four midwestern states as a potential candidate, He even has the support of former President George W Bush”
Hitler himself was glad to be back in civilization but at a loss to explain his new found good fortune. “I’ve more or less spent the last half of the twentieth century eating papaya, fighting jungle beasts and having degenerate sexual relations with the native peoples.” He continued, becoming more animated and agitated. “ Once or twice I had to meet with Madonna for that Kabbalah training. I had to shuffle out of town because Wiesenthal and his friends over at the Mossad were trailing her to get to me and were almost up my ass! But living that jungle life? It’s not quite as good as ruling Greater Germania or getting head from Eva Braun but hey, I’m still here and I’m certain that fat English fuck Winston is sucking Stalin’s peanut of a cock in Hell.”
He then showed an unforseen level of restraint and began to calmy reflect on vegetarianism as the reason for his long life. When asked about his new contract with Apple, he was blunt. “I personally am a PC man. I cant stand that annoying “i” prefix on every product they friggin’ sell. …and that ‘beach ball of death’ just makes me wanna blitz Poland again. But I’m grateful for the chance to promote the iDOLF. They could very well have gone with Dolf Lungren.”
The iDOLF as well as Sony’s WPS (Worthless Piece of Shit) are available in stores now.