I have spent 15-20 years of my life going to stupid job interviews that make you get excited and falsely hopeful. I think if most people have had the amount of interviews I have had, they would probably jump off a bridge or cower in the corner of their bed and never see the light of day. One must realize, it is the most demoralizing, motivation stealing, SOUL STEALING, and heartless experience you could ever have. I’ve been to so many of these things, I realize that I am completely unemployable. The experiences are nightmarish.

Comments like (and these are real folks):

1. You’re overqualified
2. You’re underqualified
3. You’re not the right fit (like i’m a piece of clothes or a condom or something)
4. You’re too casual (guess I need to wear a tuxedo and pull up in a limo)
5. You don’t have that special something

I’m not kidding folks.  This kind of bullshit has been following me MY WHOLE CAREER LIFE and at the age of 40, I cant take it anymore!

CNN always puts these stupid “helpful” articles up about things NOT TO SAY in an interview.   They are always obvious like:

1. What does your company do?  (research the company before the interview you idiot)
2. How much does the job pay?  (just understand they are going to give you a barely survivable wage.  they want to rip you off right out of the gate.  leave your high hopes at home).
3. What are the hours of the position?  (realize that you will be their slave and will work when they want you to, and however long they desire.  welcome to slavery, fool)
4. How many sick days do I get?  (YOU GET ONE and if you take more than one they will gossip about you and talk behind your back and set you up to fail).
5. How much time do you get off?  (None.  Don’t expect any for the first 5-10 years of employment if you last that long!  God forbid you ask for a vacation, because that’s when they will search for your replacement).
6. Do you do background checks?  (Only if they don’t want to hire you or are so intimidated by your looks and skills they want to make sure you don’t get in the company at all).

Of course we or I would never ask these stupid questions in an interview because, as you can see above, I already know the answer from years of experience.  Once again, the media (in this case CNN) isn’t helping anyone with this stupid article.

HOWEVER…

Because the employment CRISIS IN AMERICA (yes that’s right I said crisis) is so bad, the respondents to the article were quite eloquent and profound.  One person responded in this fashion and it’s so true.  These questions will definitely offend an interviewer but I have moist dreams about saying them because they are legitimate questions that are more attuned to employment in “Amurka” and the treatment/plight of the working class being subjugated by people who don’t do ANYTHING and make all the money:

1. Why are you filling this position from the outside? Is it because you’ve made poor hiring choices so you have no one to choose from or because you have a bad training program?
2. What percentage of workers would quit today if they had a chance?
3. How much does the CEO & execs earn for every person they lay off?
4. How much does this company pay for their government lobbyists to push through bad public legislation in Washington DC?
5. How is management evaluated? Quality or quantity of work done?
6. What’s the most important thing I should focus on to be successful in this company: good appearance, network connections, ability to BS, taking claim for other’s work, or being in the same golf league as the boss?
7. What religious affiliation will solidify my employment at this company?
8. Which social networking tool should I be on so you can track my every move and invade my privacy and hold me accountable in the workplace, Facebook, Twitter, or Myspace?
9. Is there anything else I should change in my personal NON WORK related time that would qualify me for this position?  Political affiliation (republican democrat liberal conservative)? Quit smoking?  Turn gay or straight?  Drink more?  Less?  Watch more television?  Choose the right sports team?

Let’s face it folks, interviewing for a job these days is about as much of a crap shoot as playing your last retirement cent on a green felt table in Atlantic City.  There’s no right way to go to an interview.  All I can say is EXPECT NOTHING and if you get ANYTHING or even a job, expect to be treated like shit and thrown out the moment you get hired for some contrived reason even God himself couldn’t explain.  It is important to remember, you don’t work for a company or yourself… YOU WORK FOR A PERSON(S) WHO’S GREED IS SO MASSIVE YOU WOULD NEVER UNDERSTAND IT UNLESS YOU WON THE LOTTERY AND HATED EVERYONE YOU KNOW.

Remember, we are all here and suffering so the few who have lived large wont have to change their standard of living.