she needs to stop making annoying commercials forever
she needs to get into a horrible, disfiguring motorcycle accident
she needs to be physically beaten to death with the Geico Lizzard
she needs that nut-house red lipstick smeared all over her face
she needs to develop ass-cancer that gets PROGRESSIVEly worse
she needs to die.
die, die, DIE!!!
You all know how I love disaster movies and horrific visualizations of mass destruction… I have been combing the internet news sites for the best and longest most complete footage of the Japan tsunami (lets face it, videos of a tsunami are much more interesting than videos of earthquakes). I think I may have found it, courtesy of (barf) CNN. This is just creepy. I like to mute it and watch it in silence mostly.
The sad part is, it’s from CNN, which means you’ll probably have to watch a stupid ad about some butt medicine, a penis enlargement technique, or some anti herpes pill. Then the player wont load the video at all. But if you can watch this, it WAS the first live footage and it’s worth the effort! God save Japan! For the love of humanity!
If you have had a meal at the Wendy’s located here, you may need this helpful chart below. I have been suffering from my visit last Friday and it has been very painful. I’ve lost my appetite, and been feverish for 5 days now.
Seems Type 7 is my fate. I’ll let you know when my kidneys and liver fail (unless my unpaid cell phone dies first!) HA!
Here’s the message I left on their website:
I ordered a double with cheese, hold the lettuce tomato and onion medium sized meal. (I incorrectly received a double without cheese), and an order of Asian chicken wings.
Upon my return home about an hour or two later I exhibited a high fever. I have had diarrhea for 5 days now. You need to check the cleanliness of your restaurant, the food handlers, or the quality of your food before you kill someone. This is not the first time I have been made ill by this particular Wendy’s. Clean your surfaces or wash your hands.
BOBPU – Cupertino, CA – Apple’s acquisition yesterday of rights to sell songs by an obscure British band called “The Beatles” amazingly resulted in all 17 albums by the band topping the iTunes charts.
An estimated 30 million dollars was spent on music by the band overnight. Prior to the songs being made available on iTunes, the music all but unobtainable by ravenous fans of the band.
Shane Condrad, 16, a high school student in Los Angeles,bought every remastered release “just because my friends did it.” Condrad said the music was “kinda like, you know, old sounding, you know, but like good, I guess.”
Prior Tuesday’s announcement, users of Apple products had to actually “rip” their CDs to put music by The Beatles on to their iPods and other Apple devices. “This is so much easier, it was well worth the 240 dollars I spent,” said Condrand.
Apple Computing (ot to be confused with Apple Records or Honey Crisp Apples., or any goddamn apples of any other kind) said it was was proud to be part of the band’s success. Spokeswoman Shimely Uspatz said “We’re so happy to see an unknown band make it to the top of the charts so quickly.” Uspatz drove off in her diamond-studded Hummer limousine before BOBPU could ask further questions about the future signing of one Yoko Ono, a Japanese performance artist.
– Bob Kafka, BOB Press Ubinational
and come full circle… Some of us thought “My Sweet Lord” / “He’s So Fine” was proof. Here’s a CMA award winning band and their super hit, totally stolen, via sheet music no doubt, from one of our favorite Projects.
I know, as soon as the word “Facebook” appears as the title of a post, some of us out there will roll the eyes, shake the head and have the “thats what you get” attitude for even dealing with that excuse of electrons…but for some of us its purely a way to keep in touch with friends and family, and a way to waste time.
So this morning as I methodically went through my compulsive list of sites I visit, all let me in except for one. Facebook.
It seems that FAILBOOK (a.k.a. Facebook from here on out) has disabled my account for being flagged, well here read the description:
In order for me to re able my account, they want me to send them a copy of or picture of a governmental issued ID. In other words, I DO NOT EXIST. Does this still mean I have to pay my bills if FAILBOOK doesn’t think I am a real person?
Let’s face it. In today’s society, people are getting hired, fired, laid, married, divorced, elected, etc, all by being a tool for a “free” service that is far from free. Rants, bitches, and the day to day bullshit of our lives are based on these things being shared with the world of our friends, families, and groupies. Sometimes, its just to say hey on the fly to a good friend or family member whom you miss. Either way, people do it for many reasons, but the biggest is probably a sense of belonging to a group.
So this morning, FAILBOOK broke up with me. Maybe my life was so good, they couldn’t believe it and had to kick me out? Maybe I am too much of a nerd? Maybe it was because I did not play any of their virus ridden games? Maybe it was because I failed to keep up with the old boyfriend searches or the countless spam FAILBOOK dating emails sent to my email account? Who knows? All I know is, that I do not belong anymore. And in a way, it feels good.
UPDATE: FAILBOOK now says it was a “selective” bug in their security that targeted female participants. According to the article, I wish they would have contacted me because I would say: FUCK YOU I STILL DON’T WANT TO USE YOUR SITE ANYMORE. ASSHOLES.
For most states (except Maryland, which I have said in the past is the state with the most sane politics around here) things are turning very bad. For Pennsylvania, this could mean privatization of the PA Turnpike (watch for rate hikes, poor maintenance, over commercialization), and deregulation of the already environmentally dangerous and safety negligent mining industry. I’m sure that I will be able to light my tap water with a Bic® in about a year or two.
But LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE…. We get to see how tan John Boehner becomes with his new Lord God King Bufu status in the House of Representatives as the new speaker. We now can pray everyday that nobody assassinates Obama and Biden at the same time. Talk about a nightmare.
Today’s special winner for the Absurd is brought to you by James O’Keefe. Mr. O’Keefe’s one claim to fame was his ground breaking journalism posing as a pimp trying to get his ho a loan from the ACORN office. You remember him right?
Mr. O’Keefe & friends have been having a hard time lately trying to practice their craft. It seems that after being sent to jail for another attempt at an undercover operation where he and his followers dressed as telephone repairmen to gain entry into a Senator’s office (which resulted in a misdemeanor charge…you can’t mess with a republican senator from New Orleans…there is too much oil money), he under the guise of his (and how do we circumvent paying taxes?) non-profit “Project Veritas” have blown it again. But this time, it was one of his own who blew the whistle.
So, in this day and age of where the punker becomes the punkee, what is one of no scruples to do? How is that intern going to pass that editing class without having that material about CNN to show on Fox News? How is the absurdity going to continue!?! Where is the outrage from the anti-masturbatory matrons? Or the men of faith?
Oh, that’s right. Let’s wait for the fair and balanced reporting to take the lead. I think the real investigative journalism is-who is backing this guy and giving him the money to spend on not only a staff, but also for decking out a porno boat.
Which then begs me to ask…”Is the boat available for weekend rentals?”